i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize