Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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