I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
