i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
