She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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