i will never coherently bang her
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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