I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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