Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
