I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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