anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
