She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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