watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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