You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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