I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
