I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
