It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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