Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
