Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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