Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
