there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
