Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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