idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
