they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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