I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
