you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
