Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
