There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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