she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
