We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
