East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
