you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave