why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat