Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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