I'm pants shitting drunk right now
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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