I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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