from now on my penis is your penis
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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