I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
