It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
