what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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