I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
