I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
