every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
