Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm just crazy horny about you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
