you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
