my vag is so smooth its legendary
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
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i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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