Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
