Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
