i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does