I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just found a bag of teeth...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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