You just made me feel so damn special
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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