i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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