apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
