Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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