Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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