I like to think it a success when the cops are called
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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