Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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