The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
