i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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