what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
